Rooney substituted by men from Mars

Fans may be dismayed but Wayne Rooney and Joe Hart have been dropped from the Englands quad to make way for new heroes Jamie Vardy, Harry Kane and the injured Danny Welbeck. Well, sortof. The new team is actually made up of lookalikes who appear in a new £5m Mars advert designed to inspire team and supporter sin the run-up to football’s Euro 2016 tournament in France starting in June. According to an insider, when filming for the advert began in Cape Town, a “muscular, 6 ft  5 in Joe Hart look a like with bleached blond hair and a shorter, rounder Wayne Rooney” were at the fore front. Not any more.

Now Kane, Vardy and Welbeck take pride of place as they are shown emerging from the waves — just behind the Queen being carried on a throne. They are accompanied by John Motson look a likes, a pack of corgis, hundreds of fans and even knights in shining armour as they arrive on what is supposed to be the French coast.

Once they make it a shore, an English knight on horse back uses his appalling French to ask a baffled local for directions to the Stade de France. The insider said: “One of the knights originally encountered Napoleon on the beach but Marscutt hat out as possibly too controversial. “They spent a lot of money making it look spectacular, using helicopters, dozens of extras and professional swimmers.”

The invaders carry flags emblazoned with the logo #Believe — the Mars slogan for the championships, which run from June 10 to July 10. England’s opening match is on Sunday,June11,againstRussia. However, it is understood that the Mars TV-only advert will be broadcast for six weeks from today — a timeframe that will not cover most of the tournament. Which means either Mars knows what is likely to happen to the real England team, or they have scored an own goal.